Just The Inbetweeners
by shinelikegold
Summary: Three part episode type fanfiction about our favourite foursome! -no dirty pun intended.
1. Rudge Park Comprehensive

The Inbetweeners

Rudge Park Comprehensive. Every lads place of worship for a girl who was 'up for it' and a girl to put into their 'wank bank', for girls it was to go to great parties or have a long, typically unlucky and confusing relationship. It was also a bullies and chavs paradise because it had obtained the perfect victim. Will Mckenzie.

He was your perfect, stereotypical geek. Obsessed with getting good grades, never failed in creating himself an embarrassing situation and the master of not getting laid. Although he was a total oddball, he managed to fit in and become good friends with another three oddballs- Simon Cooper, Jay Cartwright and Neil Sutherland.

Simon Cooper, probably Wills closest friend and probably the only ordinary one of the group- although just as unlucky and odd as them, too. Simon was definitley the only one that would last perfect in a long relationship... if the girl was Carli D'Amato, his childhood sweetheart.

Jay Cartwright, the sex obsessed, compulsive, exaggerating liar of the group. The one who has apparently had more sex than Charlie Harper from Two and Half Men, although his dad has made it perfectly clear that these are all fictional, with his frequent contradictions. Truthfully, Jay was the least experienced of the group, struggled to attract girls and the only things he knew about sex was what he'd watched on a porn website.

Neil Sutherland, the thickest but probably the luckiest lad of the group. The one who attracts the most girls- real girls, not Jays fictional fucks- and the only one whos oblivious to pretty much everything, even the fact he's the prey of an obvious paedo geography teacher- Mr Kennedy, or Paedo Kennedy as he was best known.

ooo

It was a typical day at Rudge Park, Simon following Carli's every move, Jay talking about his fake, weekend shag-a-thon, Will being a dull-arse, and of course, Neil sitting there listening to every word and believing it.

'Yeah, so I had one on the wall, banging her like crazy, fingers up another two, while the other three were watching, so wet that it coulda flooded the whole of Britain!' Jay exclaimed, a cheeky smile forming on his face.

'Jay, I've never heard so much bull in my entire life.' Will yawned, flicking through the morning paper in the common room.

'Says Captain Fuck-Me-Not, with the only vag he's ever touched being sexy mums!' Jay laughed, causing Neil to laugh to.

'Good one, Jay!' Neil grinned stupidly, as usual.

'Yes, well done, bring up my obvious inexperience with women, and my mother- not like you haven't before.' Will raised an eyebrow.

'Morning lads,' Simon walked in, looking flushed and out of breathe. 'Missed Jays fake gangbang story yet?'

'It wasn't fake, I really had 5 girls in my room at the weekend, all hot for a bit of Jay!' Jay growled. 'Better than you, who probably wanked alone in your Carli Shrine for hours.'

Will laughed. 'Well, you've proved it's fake, since you apparently had 6 girls in your room, and for your information, Simon was at mine at the weekend.'

'Well, how am I meant to remember, I was too busy fucking- like you and simon, bum fun weekend?'

'Ha ha, funny Jay, funny. Actually, me and Simon were looking for Universities we want to try for.'

'Yeah, all of them shit.' Simon frowned.

'No, all of them good- you just don't want to go because you think you'd never get in.'

'Exactly.'

Neil looked blankly at them both. 'University? Why? you wont see us anymore.'

Will raised his eyebrow. 'And thats a bad thing?'

Jay grinned. 'It is for you, since you'll never get any mates there- or fit birds.'

'Yeah, exactly.' Neil laughed, gormlessly.

The bell rang as Will rolled his eyes, and the four of them got up and walked together to their lessons.

'Up for a drink tonight?' Carli said, walking past the four and talking to her blonde friend beside her.

'Yeah, Cock and Bull?'

'Sure, come to mine at 7!' Carli smiled as her friend nodded, and she went into Sociology.

Simon looked distant for a second, then seemed to come back to the present with a huge grin on his face.

'Night out tonight?'

'Yeah sure, Cock and Bull by any chance?' Will smiled.

'Read my mind W- Neil, Jay what are you giggling at?' Simon raised his eyebrow, looking annoyed.

'Cock and Bull.' Jay giggled, winking.

'Geddit?' Neil grinned, elbowing Jay hard and nearly knocking him off balance.

'Simon- please smack them.' Will sighed.

'Jay, its your perfect pub- Shame the Bull doesn't have shit at the end.' Simon laughed, high fiving Will.

'Twat.' Jay snapped sulkily. 'See you later, bender boys- c'mon Neil.'

As Jay and Neil walked off on the way to their lesson, Simon looked slightly worried.

'Whats the matter, Simon?' Will said, looking slightly impatient.

'Do you think Carli will talk to me tonight, or notice me at all?'

Will sighed 'We'll have to see tonight, won't we?'

'Yeah I guess...'

'C'mon, get to your lesson before Gilbert comes and gives us strings of verbal abuse.'

Simon nodded, and after day dreaming for a few minutes, went to his lesson.


	2. The Pussay Patrol

The Inbetweeners

'I look like an idiot.' Simon whined, falling back onto his living room sofa.

'You look alright, slightly bent but you look alright.' Neil said, trying to reassure him.

'That must be the worst attempt to cheer me up ever, Neil.'

Will sat down next to Simon and smiled at him.

'You don't look bent, you look mature and fashionable-'

'I need to get dressed, I look bent.'

'But-'

'If you're giving him fashion advice, he knows he looks like a bender.' Jay laughed.

'He looks fine!'

'He looks like he's robbed his clothes from Neils dads wardrobe!'

'My dads not gay!' Neil snapped, glaring at Jay from across the room.

'Look, I'll just put on a top, some jeans and an ugly jacket. I was trying something different to see if Carli would like it and go with me instead of Tom, but if I look like I'm doing Neil's dad-'

'My dads not gay!'

'-then I clearly need to wear the usual shit I wear.' Simon frowned, stomping off upstairs to get dressed.

The other three turned on the tv, since it was half six, they had just under half an hour to be ready, and the first decision Jay and Neil had was to find fit women on the TV.

'I'd do her.' Neil said, at a skinny red-head on the telly and sitting on the arm on the armchair Jay had occupied.

'She hasn't got any tits.' Jay shook his head. 'Nah, change.'

Will rolled his eyes and changed the channel, to a bunch of girls in bikinis. Bad idea.

'Oh yes, thats more like it.' Jay grinned, shuffling down in the sofa and eyeing up the girls.

'You two really do disgust me at times.' Will said, sharply.

'Oh come on twat features, you're telling me you wouldn't do any of them?'

'No, I'm not saying I wouldn't-'

'So you would, so shut up complaining and watch the pretty ladies.'

'Idiot.' Will growled.

The lady looking went on for a while before Simon came running down stairs, looking much better than he did earlier.

'You lot-' Simon ran in, smiling broadly. 'Carli's single on Facebook!'

'Get in there, Si!' Neil smacked him on the back, causing Simon to fall onto Jay.

'Bit violent today, Neil?' Simon breathed, rubbing his back and sitting beside Will on the sofa.

'No, I just don't know my own strength, or it could be the boxing lessons at school.' Neil shrugged.

'What boxing lessons?' Will asked.

'The ones on every friday after school.'

'It is friday, Neil.'

'Oh shit, I've missed it!'

'You look the least harmless person in the world, but if you box better than you've been accidentally hurting us then you're gonna be like the new Muhammad Ali!' Jay said, astonished.

'I doubt that, Jay.' Will shook his head.

'Neil, attack' Jay laughed, pointing at Will.

'Cmon you lot, Carli will be on her way there now- I might get lucky!' Simon said, impatiently grabbing his keys.

'Not in the crapmobile you won't, why didn't you take Neils car, his is much cooler.'

'Shut up Jay, she won't care about the car-'

'Have you seen Tom's car?'

'Yes... Neil can I borrow your car?'

'Cant, scrapped it.'

Everyone looked at Neil as if he was an idiot... Well, he was, but this was one of his thickest moments, since he had only just had an MOT on the car and it passed with barely any problems at all.

'Why, there was nothing wrong with it!' Will said, his mouth wide in shock.

'I know, sold it for scrap to get a new Xbox because it broke.'

'Where was the Xbox from, may I ask?'

'Ebay.'

'Neil, you may be a nice, innocent guy- but you are a twat.' Jay said, slapping his hand to his face. 'You sold a perfectly okay car, for whats probably a secondhand Xbox.'

'Oh no, it was new, it had bubblewrap around it.'

'Anyone can put bubblewrap around something!' Will snapped, slightly frustrated with how stupid Neil had been.

'Oh shut up all of you!' Simon shouted. 'Just get in my fucking car, and go to the fucking pub!'

'Sorry babe, don't get your thong in a twist.' Jay mocked.

'I just want to see Carli.'

'Well, seems like we're on a Friday Night Pussay Patrol, ladies.' Jay grinned, pulling out four cans from a plastic bag and giving one to each of them. 'To the Pussay Patrol!'

'To the Pussay Patrol!'


	3. Cock and Bull

The Inbetweeners

'Why, hello pretty ladies!' Jay grinned, his eyes sparkling at the sight of a hen party as he entered the pub.

'Jay, please don't attempt to chat up the hen party, you're a child in their eyes.' Will said, rolling his eyes impatiently.

'What's wrong with them having a toy boy? They can play with my toy any day!'  
>'That is disgusting.'<br>'Your face is disgusting.'

'You're both doing my nut in, shut up and look for Carli, I might be lucky tonight!' Simon hissed at them, his eyes scanning the pub at an amazing speed.

'Well, I realise why they call the pub 'Cock and Bull' -Simon's a cock, and he says a load of bull.' Jay teased, smirking proudly.

'I know someone else that comes out with a load of bull, and if he doesn't shut his trap- he'll have it shut for him, understand?' Simon growled, his face growing red with anger.

'Touché.'

'Good, now where is- CARLI, HEY CARLI!' Simon jumped slightly as he caught sight of her, and ran clumsily over to her.

'That's it Si, play it cool,' Will said sarcastically, smirking. 'Shall we go over?'

Will turned around to see Neil had gone to the bar and was talking to a lad who Will recognised from school, meanwhile Jay was frozen to the spot, his mouth wide open and his eyes fixed on a pretty, brunette girl standing beside Carli and her friends.

'Oh lovely, so now you've found a girl you would 'do' who is our age,' Will rolled his eyes. 'Now, answer me instead of imitating a goldfish- shall we go over?'

'Are you MAD?' Jay looked crazy for a second, shook his head then looked at Will and tried to act cool. 'Nah, Si will be back over-'

'You're scared.'

'I'm not.'

'You are.'

'Not-'

'Are-'

'Not-'

'Are-'

'I know!' Jay sat on a stool behind him and looked down. 'I haven't been the same since... her.'

'Chloe?' Will actually felt sympathetic for Jay, the first time he got a girlfriend and genuinely liked her, she blew him off -no dirty pun intended- for being too clingy.

'Yeah..' Jay stayed quiet for a moment, and with no warning leapt up on his feet with a big grin, adjusted his jacket and turned to Will. 'No time for moping around, lets just go over.'

Will smiled. As much as he detested the way Jay looked at women, he much preferred this Jay to the depressed one.

'Evening, ladies!' Jay grinned, winking at the girl he had been gawking at only five minutes ago and she smiled weakly in return.

'Simon, please leave...' Carli said breathlessly, looking stern.

'But Carli-' Simon said weakly, looking desperate and timid.

Jay and Will looked at each other and nodded slightly. Both of them knew if they didn't get Simon out of the pub soon, he'd burst out crying or into song to try and prove his love to Carli- there would be no way out of a lifetime of embarrassment if that happened.

'Um, excuse me, but what has he said?' Will asked the brunette, making Jay growl.

'Well, they were talking about Tom and Simon said that she could get any lad in this pub, especially with what she was wearing..' She winced slightly as she said the last few words.

Will turned to look at Carli's outfit.

She was wearing a white knitted cardigan with a low-cut flowery vest top, and a black high waisted skirt that reached mid way down her thigh. Really, she didn't look that bad but with the way Simon seemed to have said it- it clearly went down the wrong way and made her sound 'easy.'

'Ah, I see.' Will turned to Jay. 'We need to get him out, he's going to lose any self-pride he actually had if he stays in here much longer.'

'But..' Jay indicated to the girl Will had spoken to.

'No, leave her- you had no chance anyway.'

'How do you know? Only because you couldn't get laid even if the girl resembled a zombie-beaver.'

'Not that you've ever got laid, Jay..'

'Right- thats it, I'm sick of your sarcastic comments!'

Jay launched himself on Will, and began to smack him on the head repeatedly, Simon now was curled up in a ball crying and Neil was- well, being Neil.

The pub was now gathered around the four lads, some chanting on Jay and Will's less-than-impressive fight, some laughing at Simon- that was until the bar owner came.

'RIGHT!' he yelled, causing everyone to stop still. 'Oh, I wasn't expecting that to work..'

He pointed at Jay and Will and continued to speak.

'Grow up, and get out. You're barred! As for you,' he pointed at Simon. 'Quit your whining and stop harrassing the poor lady. In fact, you can join them two, seeing as you came in with them. Go on, OUT!'

They got up slowly and began to walk to the door, Jay dragging Simon along like a doll.

'That was your fault.' Jay snarled at Will.

'How was it my fault? You launched on me!'

'Well if you wasn't such a sarcy-'

'Even though I spoke truth-'

'You never speak truth-'

'WHY WONT CARLI LIKE ME!'

'OH SHUT UP!' Jay and Will shouted at Simon.

Simon looked at the two of them for a second, shocked and upset, then sat on the wall and folded his arms like a four year old in a tantrum.

'Alright?' Neil said merrily, smiling as he left the pub.

Jay glared at Neil. 'Alright? ALRIGHT? I TELL YOU-'

'Shut up Jay, he's stupid.' Will said tiredly.

'Yeah, gathered that one.'

'Look, lets just go home and forget all this ever happened, agreed?' Will sighed.

'Agreed.' The three said in unison and began to walk to Simons car-

'Where the hell is my car?'

The four of them stood still and stared at the now empty spot which had occupied a bright yellow Fiat Cinnequento which had a red door.

'Please don't tell me someone has nicked it?'

Jay, Neil and Will burst into fits of laughter at what Simon had just said.

'Nicked it?' Jay breathed, laughing even harder.

'Its not worth nicking, Simon!' Will chuckled. 'Come on, I'll ring a taxi.'


End file.
